Giving My All, All the Time

I can’t live this life anymore.  Something’s got to give.  My children are being raised by strangers.  I am tired and drained all the time.  My priority list’s a mess.  I make too many choices based on the expediency of the moment and not on my value system.  The stress and pressure of raising 2 kids on my own, of trying to meet all their needs, all the time, all by myself is killing me.

I’ve pushed myself too hard for too long.  I’m cracking up inside.  I’ve held myself together with nothing more than stubborn will power for 5 years.  I made it through school by keeping my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel .  But this tunnel has no light.  I can find no way out.  There is no choice but to keep going, to keep doing the best I can.  But my best is getting worse and worse.

I can meet my kids’ physical needs now.  Barely, but I can.  But there is nothing left for there emotional and mental needs.  Thus, I am a rotten mother.  Now, I have always believed that all the love in the world won’t provide a full tummy and a warm place to sleep at night.  I have managed to provide a basically stable home for them.  All of their basic needs are met.  But to what end?

The things I sacrifice may be too great.  Perhaps it would be better if I went on wellfare and was actually there for them when they needed me.  But I know that life, too.  The life I had when PB was born, the scrapping by on nothing, the trying to stretch every cent.  The hours I spent chopping wood and hauling water to save a few bucks.

I’m thinking about the values I want my children to learn.  I want them to know that people are always more important than things.  To learn mature, intelligent ways of expressing themselves.  I want them to know that they can succeed in anything they want if they go after it with hard work and passion.  I want them to know that they are capable and worthy.  I want them to be both respectful and respectable.  I want them to be caring and kind but still tough enough to stand up for what’s right.  I want them to know right from wrong and to live their lives with a code of ethics.

But I don’t think that I can do it all on my own any more.  I’m at a loss.  I’m used up and worn out.  I’ve given my all to everything every second for half a decade.  Something’s got to change but I don’t know how to go about it, how to shift my life to line up with my own values.  I need help just learning how to ask for help.